What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

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On the 31st of Jan this month .

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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

This is soul school!.

What is one thing which you cannot stop however hard you try?

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I was scared of men, in general

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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

What is a good habit and what is bad one?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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I don,t even have a pension.

My family never makes their pension either.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

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So, i spoilt her more .

I write beautiful poetry .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I waited trembling.

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She found it foreign!.

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I was 9 years of age.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Was to survive, this bastard.

Especially a lifetime of it.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I could never make a relationship work though!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I will be 64.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

When she asked me how she looked .

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

All the time i was locked up.

Put me off passion for life!!

I couldn’t, believe it.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I think the readers, may guess!

He resisted the act ,that day.

I was seconnd youngest,

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Ive learnt so much.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Who then, do I blame.?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

She loved him until the end.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

It was going to be , some day.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I said to her

Im still living with it.

I was very sick at this time too.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Comes on , in middle age.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

(And it was in our own minds.)

My life is so biszare .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

And i lived it daily.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

She married twice! .

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I never cut or harmed myself..

Would this be the day?

She was in good health!

What did i know ?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

One cannot live in the past .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

But, we were locked up after school.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I have no regrets .

He knew the spot.

We all went to grammer schools

But it wasn’t much.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

So whats the point in blame.

She wouldn,t have been !

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

But ive been too sick for many years..

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

We were not on the streets..

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!